Frederick Buechner defines vocation as "the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
The first time I heard that quote was a few months ago in a sermon on call by Michelle Buhite, intern minister at my the congregation I serve as DRE, the Unitarian Universalist Church of Buffalo. Today I read it again in the book The Courage to Teach:Exploring the inner landscape of a Teacher's Life by Parker J. Palmer.
In the past month the theme of identity has kept popping up in all of the work I do, both personal and professional. How a person defines herself and then acts determines to a great extent the integrity with which she relates to the world. Even when you know yourself, you are at risk of not living with integrity when fear of outside judgement keeps you from living your own values, and instead trying too hard to meet what you believe to be others expectations for you.
When I began my work as a religious educator in a congregation where I was a known entity, I moved into it with ease, and I easily pleased the people I was working for. Afterall, they had hired me with full knowledge of who I was and how I might perform my duties.
When I began my second job in the same field, I struggled at first. I realized that people didn't know me well, and they frequently voiced expectations for how I should do my job based on how my predecessor had done her job. I tried in vain to be like her in all the ways that had pleased people. Then finally one day, about six months into the job, I woke up and realized that I was being "not Martha" badly. Not only was I not living up to their expectations for how Martha did things, I wasn't doing a good job of showing them how "Sonja" did things in an authentic way.
Now, to be fair, I don't really know how much of the tension was from them really expecting me to "be" Martha, and my own insecurity in following a well loved predecessor. I'm sure at times I projected dissatisfaction on them, when I myself felt a sense of failure at doing a poor job. I could feel that I was not coming from place that I could authentically own. I do know however, that when I named this problem, I received a great deal of support from the minister, and the people on the RE committee to open up to my own way of doing things.
Once I did this my relationship to the congregation changed almost instantly. Those who I perceived to be my greatest critics were suddenly complimenting my work. I felt more at ease with parents and teachers, and was more able to let an occasional jab from a detractor go without letting it grate at me all day. While I do think it is very important to keep my finger on the pulse of the program, and respond to areas where people feel under served, I now feel more comfortable responding from my own experience and skill sets.
When I am able to interact from a place of confidence in my own knowledge, or humility around my growing edges, I find that my relationships with the people in the congregation have the integrity that builds trust. We can learn and grow together, and solve problems rather than get defensive, and angry and disappointed.
I now really love my congregation. And I think they really like me. For me. And that's all either of us expect me to be. Now I feel the depth of gladness that called me to this work, and I think, I'm beginning to to feed the deep hunger that caused my congregation to invite me to serve them. I now feel secure in my calling as their DRE.
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